Humour

Utter Crap  (review in Kingpin magazine of 'Unorthodox Openings' by Eric Schiller) - Tony Miles
 
 You're just like the husband in 'Angela's Ashes', except instead of drinking, you play chess!" Audrey N. Gerrets. (Yes, a wife [names have been changed to protect the innocent] actually said this to her husband ... who just happened to be of Irish descent)
 
 I like to play against people who are alive :) - ( In response to the question: "Which of the great dead players would you like to play?")  -  Judit Polgar
 
 I remember our class working on algebra. All the boys were quiet ... Suddenly Alekhine stood up excitedly, his face radiant ..."Well, Alekhine, did you solve it?' teacher Bachinsky asked him. "I did ... I sacrifice the knight, and the bishop moves ... And White wins!".  -  Georgy Rimsky-Korsakov (classmate)
 
 Chess is a contributor to net human unhappiness, since the pleasure of victory is greatly exceeded by the pain of defeat.  -  Bill Hartston
 
 I failed to make the chess team because of my height.  -  Woody Allen
 
 I remember once I was in Switzerland and my wife told me,'I put some of your stuff in the safe – the code is very easy to remember, it’s 2706, so you can take whatever you need.' And I told her, 'Well, 2706 is not really a good Elo rating. Normally it’s rounded off to the nearest 5 or 10'. So I told her I couldn’t see how I could remember that. She looked a bit shocked and then she explained to me that the 27th June is our anniversary.  -  Viswanathan Anand
 
 This game reminded me of the wonderful times of my youth, when 'the sunshine was brighter, and the girls were prettier', the openings were not so well studied, and chess was far more interesting. (after a victory vs. Morozevich in Khanty-Mansiysk 2011)
 
 Jacob, how do you actually become a Grand Wizard? (question posed to GM (not GW) Jacob Aagaard)
 
 GM Naiditsch reckoned that me playing the King's Indian against Anand was something akin to a samurai running at a machine gun with a sword.  -  Hikaru Nakamura
 
 Unlike my esteemed colleague Garry Kasparov, I don't restrict the strength of opposition to Elo <2000, as fly-swatting makes poor spectator sport. (on simultaneous exhibitions)  -  Nigel Short
 
 Sir, the slowness of genius is hard to bear, but the slowness of mediocrity is insufferable. - Henry Thomas Buckle
 
 I'm submitting a formal complaint to the players - the games are far too interesting. They should be rationed to only one exciting game per round, as it is not fair to chess journalists. - (after Round 2 of The London Chess Classic 2011)  -  John Saunders
 
 Some scientist needs to explain to spectators Einstein's relativity theory. Before his explanation, he says: 'I have to suffer a lot explaining something I don't understand myself.' This relates to my game: I didn't understand anything! (on losing to Magnus Carlsen at the 2011 Sao Paolo/Bilbao tournament) - Vasily Ivanchuk
 
 I walked about 55 kilometers and was awake for 25 hours. Now I have to think about setting a sleeping record.  -  (after setting a World Record by playing 614 games simultaneously)  -  Ehsan Ghaem-Maghami
 
 Remember the king cannot check. So in a mad rush to checkmate your opponent do not get mated because that way you would have indirectly blocked your emergency exit also. - (from what may very well be the worst chess book in history)  -  All About Chess, by Priya & R. Raman, Minerva Press, New Delhi, 2000
 
 Youth has triumphed.  -  (upon defeating 86-year-old Dirk van Foreest)  -  84-year-old Jacques Mieses
 
 The knight has a very peculiar movement. He moves to the third square distant, in an oblique direction, first through the adjoining square either way, and then to the next adjoining square either way again, entering into the one diagonally, and into the other sideways, and his move is always onto a square of a different colour from that which he previously occupied.  -  (from: Chess & Draughts Made Easy c 1860)
 
 Barcza is the most versatile player in the opening. He sometimes plays P-KKt3 on the first, sometimes on the second, sometimes on the third, and sometimes only on the fourth move.  -  reputedly stated by Harry Golombek
 
 Begone! Ignorant and impudent knight, not even in chess can a King be taken.  -  (reputedly stated to one of his knights in 1110 after he was nearly captured by enemy forces)  -  King Louis VI
 
 When asked, "How is that you pick better moves than your opponents?", I responded: "I'm very glad you asked that, because, as it happens, there is a very simple answer. I think up my own moves, and I make my opponent think up his".  -  Alexander Alekhine
 
 A chess player never has a heart attack in a good position.  -  Bent Larsen
 
 My opponent is Short and the match will be short.  -  Kasparov's quip before his 1993 PCA World Championship match with Nigel Short.
 
 When I have White, I win because I am White; when I have Black, I win because I am Bogolyubov.  -  Efim Bogolyubov
 
 We don't really know how the game was invented, though there are suspicions. As soon as we discover the culprits, we'll let you know.  - Bruce Pandolfini
 
 The most powerful weapon in chess is to have the next move.  - David Bronstein
 
 There just isn't enough televised chess.  -  David Letterman
 
 It has been said that man is distinguished from animal in that he buys more books than he can read. I should like to suggest that the inclusion of a few chess books would help to make the distinction unmistakable.  -  Edward Lasker
 
 In mathematics, if I find a new approach to a problem, another mathematician might claim that he has a better, more elegant solution. In chess, if anybody claims he is better than I, I can checkmate him.  -  Emanuel Lasker
 
 A computer beat me in chess, but it was no match when it came to kickboxing.  -  Emo Phillips
 
 Deschapelles became a first-rate player in three days, at the age of something like thirty. Nobody ever believed the statement, not even Deschapelles himself, although his biographer declares he had told the lie so often that he at last forgot the facts of the case.  -  Frederick Milne Edge
 
 A male scorpion is stabbed to death after mating. In chess, the powerful queen often does the same to the king without giving him the satisfaction of a lover.  -  Gregor Piatigorsky
 
 My opponent left a glass of whisky 'en prise' and I took it 'en passant'.  -  Henry Blackburne
 
 When you absolutely don't know what to do anymore, it is time to panic.  -  John van der Wiel
 
 Excellent! I will still be in time for the ballet!  -  (upon defeating Ossip Bernstein in the famous 29 move exhibition game played in Moscow in 1914, before setting off to the Bolshoi Theatre in horse-drawn carriage)  -  Jose Capablanca
 
 I played like a child. (13 year old Magnus after a loss in the second game of a rapid chess match with Kasparov - after having drawn the first game)  -  Magnus Carlsen
 
 I won't play with you anymore. You have insulted my friend!  - (when an opponent cursed himself for a blunder)  -  Miguel Najdorf
 
 Nowadays tournaments are for nurseries. Look at those kiddies.  - (pointing to Fischer, Spassky, and Larsen in 1966)  -  Miguel Najdorf
 
 It will be cheering to know that many people are skillful chessplayers, though in many instances their brains, in a general way, compare unfavorably with the cognitive faculties of a rabbit.  - Mortimer
 
 If one would cancel all traffic rules and switch off all traffic lights, watching city traffic on TV would be also awfully interesting!  - Oleg Romanishin
 
 Campo, as everyone in chess recognized, had a 2600 rating as a politician.  -  (on F.I.D.E. President Florencio Campomanes)  - Raymond Keene
 
 My style is somewhere between that of Tal and Petrosian.  -  Samuel Reshevsky
 
 Chess is thriving. There are ever less round robin tournaments and ever more World Champions.  -  Robert Huebner
 
 Now I have the pawn and the compensation.  -  (during a blitz game)  -  Roman Dzindzichashvili
 
 A Chess game is divided into three stages: the first, when you hope you have the advantage, the second when you believe that you have an advantage, and the third … when you know you're going to lose ! -  Savielly Tartakower
 
 Shall we ever live to see the following wise prohibition - the audience is forbidden to smoke and the masters are forbidden to 'smoke out' the audience by playing exchanging variations?  -  Savielly Tartakower
 
 Up to this point White has been following well-known analysis. But now he makes a fatal error: he begins to use his own head.  - Siegbert Tarrasch
 
 When you don't know what to play, wait for an idea to come into your opponent's mind. You may be sure that idea will be wrong.  - Siegbert Tarrasch
 
 Once when Blackburne was giving a simultaneous exhibition, his opponent had ordered and just been served a glass of whisky. Instead of making his move, Blackburne drank the whiskey and went on to the next board. How I would have loved to have known him personally!  -  Tony Santasiere
 
 In 1996, the players at the VSB tournament in Amsterdam sent me a card for my wedding with this dedication, 'Anand congrats on your wedding. You were a great player, now be ready to lose 50 points'.  -  Viswanathan Anand
 
 Once I asked Teichman what he thought of Bird's chess: "Same as his health," he replied, "always alternating between being dangerously ill and dangerously well."  -  William Ewart Napier
 
 Of Chess it has been said that life is not long enough for it, but that is the fault of life, not chess.  -  William Ewart Napier
 
 But alas! Like many another consummation devoutly to be wished, the actual performance was a disappointing one. (on the long awaited Lasker-Capablanca match in 1921)  -  Fred Reinfeld
 
 The pin is mightier than the sword.  -  Fred Reinfeld
 
 What we need are lots of girls who aren't as good as us, who'll treat us with the proper respect and reverance.  -  David Norwood
 
 Place the contents of the Chess box in a hat, shake them up vigorously, pour them on the board from a height of two feet, and you get the style of Steinitz.  -  Henry Bird